Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Know your jewish massacres with three successive loop-de-loops

Tragically Fun:
A Monologue for a Yet to Be Written PlayMonologue Composed by Miles Burbank
 
(Scene opens with main antagonist speaking to business partner, who may be the protagonist, who knows? Anyway they’re on stage in, oh let’s say their office, yeah that sounds good, and it’s late at night and both of them have been struggling to come up with ideas. The following monologue is the proposal of the antagonist. Let’s call him Bob.)

Bob: So Natalie was telling me about how in New York, at “Ground Zero”, she walked by and there were all these stores selling survival gear, and all around people were attempting to attract tourists. There was even a chapel that had placed a banner, it might have obstructed a cross I can’t say for sure, and it said, “We survived 9/11!” like they were advertising an upcoming concert. It seemed as though everyone around the site of this horrific event had been affected, by greed. And as Natalie was telling me all of this I had a great idea: capitalize off of past tragedies. Now this is nothing new, Hollywood has gotten away with it for years under the guise of art. The countless movies re-telling painful stories more times than we’d like to remember. Each year comes a new holocaust blockbuster and with each school shooting another television mini-series. This particular horse we will not ride to success because it’s already dead and too many people are currently beating it. The other well known strategy is the tourist magnet. This, however, would require ownership of some tragic site beforehand so that tours could be guided and gift shops erected. My idea however has spawned from these two, it encompasses entertainment, but instead of merely viewing it would allow the customers a chance to participate, to re-live the past as can be accomplished to some degree by visiting the sites. Now the biggest problem that our tragedy seeking public faces is the impracticality of visiting all these horrific locations. I mean sure if you look around you’re neighborhood, city, state, whatever you’ll find some tragedy, but if it hasn’t hit national news what’s the fucking point. It’s worthless if you can’t brag about it sans explanation, and the big ones, the ones everyone knows about, they’re scattered all over the globe. So I say, instead of sending these freaks off to other cultures, mouths drooling and cameras flashing, let’s corral them here and bring the tragedy they crave to them. If we make these tragic events accessible to the public they’ll be lined up around the corner. If you build they will come, but if you destroy it they’ll bring money. And that’s why we focus on tragedy. People love it. They want to know it, live through it, to let it encompass their lives, but they don’t want the pain attached. They crave tragedy so much because it gives their lives meaning were once there was none. It gives them something to talk about, a badge of courage to wear with pride, and most importantly: a means to gain pity. An excuse to whine and be heard, not just heard but listened to. People need a constant source of tragedy in their lives to keep them interesting, to give them a sense of purpose, to make them feel significant. The thing is that tragedy only happens so often and people today are so impatient, the only substitute to the real tragedy they hope to live through, for no other purpose than to get over, is the tragedy of others. So they go, they visit Auschwitz, Pearl Harbor, and Ground Zero. They walk through the rubble of the Oklahoma City Bombing and listen to a recounting of the horror in detail as their cameras click and flash incessantly. They walk along, picturing themselves there, theorizing how they might have dealt with it all, and eventually go home with, in their minds, profound thoughts to share. They are “enlightened” and it’s uplifting. People want tragedy, but more than that they want entertainment. Which brings us back to my brilliant idea: Historical Horrors Amusement Park. That’s right! An amusement park devoted to tragedy! All the rides will have horrific, tragic themes to them, but not just any old tragedy, no these rides will be based on true events, deep personal events that have the capability of evoking tears from even the hardest of hearts. Think about it, why do people ride roller coasters? Is it the thrill, the excitement of the quick turns? Yeah, that may have a little to do with it, but more than anything it’s the threat that the rides pose. People want to see a carnie drunk on the job, they crane their heads upward, each one secretly hoping someone will fall when the cars go upside down. That’s why people love carnivals, it’s not the thrill, it’s the little taste of death they get. Well I say to hell with a taste, let’s give them a fucking all you can eat buffet! Think of it! We could pack them into over crowded train cars and let them ride the “Holocaoster” and when that reaches the end of the track they can try and make their way through the fun house: “Auschwitz Barracks”. After that people will work their way through the lines for a chance to ride the “Pearl Harbor Water Slides” and who could pass up the “Twin Towers Bungee Jump”. The list of rides could go on and on. People would flood the park and we would pull no punches. When it got too hot they could mosey over to the “Race Riots” and we’d turn the fire hoses on them. Yes in this park there would be no prohibition of tragedy, these gluttons of horror would not be deprived anything. Through our grand achievements the masses would receive their opiates in abundance. And we, well we’ll be rich beyond our wildest nightmares.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Know your reasons why you were late last night

It's all too exciting

“Where were you last night?” She had come into the house at a dreadful four o’clock in the morning, four hours past her clearly given curfew.
“Daddy…I…”
“You know I don’t make rules in this house to hear myself talk. They are for your own good. Now your curfew is at twelve o’clock, is it not?”
“Yes Daddy, I know but…”
“And you clearly weren’t here at twelve o’clock, were you?”
“No Daddy, it’s just…”
“What time were you here?”
She hesitated with her answer. “Two o’clock.”
“Four o’clock a.m., as in four hours past your curfew. You know Rosemary, I don’t have these rules for my own pleasure.”
“Daddy, I have something…”
“I’m only interested in your safety…”
“Daddy please, I need to…”
“After all there are a lot of weirdoes out there…”
“Daddy please!”
“And I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you…”
“Daddy I’m getting married!”
“What?”
“I’m getting married. I met this wonderful man last night with black hair. He’s a rebel Daddy, and I find that absolutely dreamy. We’re in love.”
“Well I don’t know if I approve of…”
“And there’s something else Daddy.”
“Something else?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“You’re what!”
“I’m pregnant. That’s why I’m going to marry the rebel, because I’m pregnant with his baby. Truth be told I don’t find him at all that dreamy, but I figured I might as well since I am bearing his child.”
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. You got pregnant last night? How do you know so soon?”
“Daddy please, a mother always knows.”
“I can’t believe this, I mean it’s all happening so…”
“And Daddy, there’s another thing.”
“Another thing?”
“I’m carrying the Anti-Christ.”
“What?!”
“My child Daddy, he’s the son of Satan. His birth will mark the destruction of mankind. I’m going to name him Damien.”
“But, does that mean the man…with the black hair?”
“Is the Devil? Yes Daddy, I’m marrying the lord of the underworld. I’m going to be royalty Daddy, isn’t that exciting!”
“Exciting, I can hardly see how that would be considered…”
“And there’s one more thing.”
“Oh Jesus!”
“Satan and I are getting a divorce.”
“A divorce? But you two aren’t even married yet.”
“Don’t try and argue it Daddy, I’ve already made up my mind. Things just aren’t working out.  And I don’t want baby Damien to grow up in a negative environment.”
“But…”
“Truth be told I never really loved him, I was just marrying him for the title. Don’t you think that’s sad?”