Thursday, April 28, 2005

Lord knows I don't want little chunks of those in my yogurt.

The Japan year runs on a different system then the American one. Their year gets out around the end of March and starts up April 1st. There is no three month summer break in Japan. The longest break the kids ever get is a little under a month. Because of this, just last Tuesday I got to meet the new seventh graders (middle school goes seventh, eighth, and ninth grade) of one of my schools. This means more self-introduction time. Self introduction usually involves me going on and on about my fat cat, goldfish (which I rescently got rid of, thank god), and the monstrousity of my family. After the intro shorty follows the question corner where the kids have the chance to show off their English (it's never in English) and pry into my personal life as they hold back the giggles and ask "do you have a girlfriend?"

This time I had a rather interesting student ask me "Do you like bananas?" She asked with the sort of enthusiasm that you don't usually see in 'banana' questions unless there's some joke behind it. "Sure why not, I like all food. Do you like bananas?" The girl leaned against her desk as if to keep herself from exploding; and judging by the volume of her voice, I think somewhere she did. "Oh yeah I love bananas! I'm crazy about them; I eat them everyday for breakfast lunch and dinner. I like banana parfait, banana chips, chocolate covered bananas...that yogurt with the little chunks of bananas in it; I love that. Bananas are awesome!" Sure why not, bananas are awesome. I mean they're definately better than thumb tacks. Lord knows I don't want little chunks of those in my yogurt...

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

it's like a trashy novel, or sitcom...

Culture note: In America it is very common for one, when passing with another, to prompt the question "what are you doing" or "what are you up to"; in order start up a conversation. However in Japan it is more concerned with where someone is headed to; "where are you going?" This was often an icebreaker that caught me off guard in my green horn days as a Japan based foreigner. As in:

Where are you goin?"


However the true intention of the speaker is not a destination reconnaissance but rather, you know, just friendly banter like "how's your mom". In China, however, they have a more unique way of starting the train. They prefer to start of with "Have you eaten lately?" This has prompted me and my other food obsessed friend slash present female obsession, to open and hold conversations of the sort:

"Hey Nunu, have you eaten yet?"


"Really!, what did you have?!"

"Oh course donuts!"

"REally! Oh my god I love donuts, what kind!"

"Strawberry; the new ones. Have you had?"

"Of course!"

"I love them! What do you eat?!"


"GEt out!"

The exclamations and enlarged letters are no exaggeration to the furor of the conversation as we've been known to end up both under and on top of a table when engaging in said conversation. Mind you, most certainly to my regret, there is nothing sexual about these rendezvous'. They are brought on by the pure power of food obsession possessed by those whom can eat and eat and eat and never gain a pound. She's ran red lights simply for the purpose of getting to Mr. Donuts faster. Good lord she is my kind of woman.

I got together with several friends yesterday for one of those "she likes him but we don't know if he likes her so why don't ten of us get together so that she can stare at him from a distance, not talk to him of course, and not get noticed or make it seem weird" parties. One lady had a thing for one guy whom wasn't even there for half the time but...well it was a very Japanese get together in its purpose. Not that I really needed a purpose, but the Japanese generally do need a reason to get together; so that's what we pulled out of our asses. We went bowling in the nearest big town and I was granted the privilege to ride with Nunu; which is covered by my life insurance.

Nunu can reach a certain excitement point about food at which she will forget entirely that she is, in fact, driving on the highway; preferring to release the wheel in order to make broad gestures regarding plates loaded with all types of half dead goodies. While she is sweet and adorable, engaging in conversation, and totally attractive; I do find that I often scream when riding with her. She can be heard saying "Well that was dangerous" and "Good thing I noticed that bend in the road" a good bit during the drive. And sometimes, for lack of a witty phrase to say at those instances of near death, she just hops on the band wagon and screams too. Screaming, I think it's how we bond.

Of course we talked about food (and a little bit about the appropriate places to have sex) on the way to the big city and around it. Our conversation mostly fueled by the up-coming free scoop night at Baskin Robins. Free food just sets our blood going; like crack or economic influenced aphrodisiacs.

The night was capped off with a near-midnight trip to Mister Donuts and my friend backing his car into a tree. I think we saw a shooting star too. Donuts, bowling, automobile tragedy, and fine frisky ladies with a penchant for gorgery; it's like a trashy novel, or a sitcom...

Sunday, April 24, 2005

does that mean I'm going to hell...

Presently I'm in a quaint little FREE internet shop in Sapporo sipping coffee made from beans that were riped from the sweaty hands of children paid three pents an hour to work in alligator infested canyons(てい語ノット;子供の労働について)...sometimes I really do wonder just how concious I am or need to be about the origins of the products I buy and digest(食う).

Early today, not much earlier as it's still morning, I ventured down to Starbucks for my morning pep(コーヒー) as it is the only place in Japan that serves decent, and I use the word loosely, coffee that isn't above five hundred yen (five bucks). I got one of those mocha lattes and promptly spilt it over half the moss green table and creating a small lake at the base of two chairs and a "swoop" table. I never knew those cups held so much coffee. And do you know what those nice coffee ladies did for me? They cleaned up the mess and gave me a whole new cup for free. Do you see the cognative dissonance; exhausted three year olds dressing alligator wounds...and free coffee.

Well there is actually real cognitive dissonance in my local cranium(自分の脳) lately. I recently got offered a job (offered should be replaced with a more appropriate word) to work at a cub scout camp; something I would be really excited to do. First of all it eliminates three of my main summer problems : job, housing, and food. Not to mention it's entirely in the smelly smelliness of nature(?自然の臭い臭さ?), and thus no more paper work. Lord knows I've had enough of that office. I'll get to work with kids and shape their little shapable minds so that they can grow up to fly to the moon and fight astro-pirates. I'd love to work there.

But then there's that whole gays in the boys scouts issue. Do I really want to particapate in something with such a ridiculous system. If I join am I just saying to others 'sure, isolate homosexuals; I'm fine with it as long as it gets rid of three of my summer problems'. I mean don't I kinda come off as an ass. 米文化ノットーboy scoutsはゲイ人は入る事が出来ぬルールが有るんです。ゲイ人ならば、boy scout事に参加を出来ぬ。

But really what would not working there do? After all in general~besides the peckers (ちんちんじゃなくて、馬鹿だ) at the top~boyscouts is generally a good program. It teaches kids respect (for heterosexuals), helps them learn various outdoor activities and gives them a good healthy outlet for all that damned energy they have (rather than beating off swarms of crocidiles with a bent nine iron stolen from the chain gang masters precious golf three pents an hour). Besides if I am working there I can help promote a general respect for all peoples. However, if I say I have a boyfriend I get booted like so many boulders from a catapult. And isn't that kinda ridiculous?

Frankly I don't know; and I'm looking at you Joey(Joeyは忠告して欲しい). As someone who's been fighting the 'man' for so much longer than I have (assuming I'm fighting it now...with my starbucks' mocha) perhaps you can provide some senior insight into my conundrum(問題). I'll probably take the job...but if I do does that mean I'm going to hell...

Saturday, April 23, 2005

兄ィィィィィちゃん! (_ _) お願い!

有り難う御座いました。本当に良い気持ちだよ。おラも詫びたいよぅ。御免なさい!時々おラは己に克つことが出来ぬんだあよ。貴兄は病気ですね…さあ、おラの脳も壊れちゃったよ。そういうわけで、時々可笑しくて悪いものをするんだ。躁鬱病の人だから、時々、急におラはたまらなく元気に成る。そしてそのenergyをcontrol事が出来ぬんだ。興奮しすぎる時、もしハッピーだったら、忌々しく成り、悲しかったら、憂鬱に成り、そして怒ったら、中々危なく成るんだ。確かに難しいですけど、I try and keep it under control. So おラは忌々しく成る時、『やめて』と云ったら;おラはちゃんとやめる。でも大体貴兄の気持ちが全然判らぬ。貴兄は笑ったけど、実は怒ったんな。おラは日本人じゃないので、日本人の気持ちが判る事が出来ぬ。そいういわけで、兄ちゃんは楽しんでいると思っていました。そして、そういうわけで、その場合時、『やめて』と云わなきゃいけない。判りましたか?言い訳じゃなくて、確かに面倒くさいけど、お願い(^_^)オオキニ!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

don't shoot I'm human...

I think I've decided, and I use the term very loosely, to add a Japanese section to blog to advance my learning and further frustrate my readers ('cause there are three) beyond their temperance of already having to follow my slurred nonesense and "what was he thinking" spelling. Now you're all just going to be lost in a different language.


Actually this isn't all so much selfish as it is focused on some one else whom is, in fact, not me. The recent discovery that my Japanese friend and, when inebriated, fiance also has a blog has prompted me to let him in on the loop that is Thom. Or something like that


The boys name, or something of the sort, is Oniichan. Well this isn't his real name for, and to those of you whom know me personally this is no surprise, I promptly forgot it upon first meeting him. Japanese names, in my defense, are very hard to remember and frankly aren't all that entertaining to begin with (despite the Austin Powers joke of the Fuku Mi, Fuku Yu twins; neither of which, sadly, I've run into whilst in the land of the rising sun). Upon first meeting the lad in subject I took to calling him Kanada for reasons I can not recall if they did in fact exist. After further getting to know him, I promptly changed it to Oniichan.


Oniichan, in japanese お兄ちゃん, means big brother; a role he could easily play as he is older and taller than me. But it also has a hidden meaning. It's a play off the word onanii, japanese for masturbation; for Oniichan has quite the collection of eye-bleeding what-not and has no shame in showing it off to me. He finds it simply hilarious. And I, being twenty, find it simply halarious too. Isn't it nice what kind of things can bring two cultures together.

お兄ちゃんの意味、英語ではbig brotherです。そして彼は古くて、背が高いよりので、自分のお兄ちゃんに成る事が出来ると思う。でもそういう訳じゃいよ。本当の意味はオナニそうですよ。彼はアパートで図書館にみたいエロのコレクションをがんがん持っているんらしいです。全部はパソコンに入った。テクノロジーなぁ。ちょっと自慢らしいけど、観ながら、彼は笑い、そして僕も、二十歳ので、笑い;一緒にヘラヘラ笑うので、大丈夫事と思う。エロ…友情を結びつける。

Oniichan, in terms of Japanese people, is probably my best friend and, as a result, is probably one of the crazier people I've met in Japan. Though most of our time is spent in his apartment we are never short on engaging, yet pointless, conversation, fights, or the latest interesting what-not he's found on the internet. In the straight-tied land of Japan where やだ (means I'll never do that) saturates that causeries like so much blood on a baby blanket, Oniichan is my outlet when I need to leak a little crazy. Here's to you Onaniichan: don't shoot, I'm human...

お兄ちゃんは、日本人の中で、僕の一番友達かもしれなくて、多分、日本で会った人々の中で、一番グルグルパッ人だと思います。大体彼のアパートでは遊ぶけど、いつも面白くて、無意味会話したり、ファイトしたり、色々で面白くて教育のネット事を観るので、全然暇じゃない。そして、笑わなくてスーツを着る「ヤダ!」と言っている日本には、お兄ちゃんが、狂っている時、僕の避難所です。お兄ちゃん。。。オオキニ:Don't shoot, I'm human...(ちんぷんかんぷん)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Thom's longest relationship; two months and five days...

This morning me and the gf finally parted ways. We broke up. Or actually I broke up with her. Or even more actually I blindsided her with my taxi of cruelty, killing her little puppy-shapped hopes and dreams of furthering this relationship during my final months stay in Japan. I made her cry. I'm not sure I liked making her cry. I fairly sure I would rather lie to someone then make them cry.

Why break up such a perfectly pleasant relationship? I haven't the slightest clue. Perhaps that's why I lied to her a little more than I did. I couldn't imagine explaining the real reason.

"Why are you breaking up with me?"


I gave her some excuse about another woman, tailed off with farious versions of the classic 'I don't want to hurt you'. I played the young innocent boy angle whom doesn't know anything. I pulled out all the stops; let's be friends, I'm in love with another woman, I've never dated someone this long, I'm young and stupid, I don't want to leave you but I have to. Deep down it was all kinda slimy.

But truth be told I really don't have the slightest clue why I broke up with her. I all seems so ridiculous; she was an amazing girlfriend, we got along fairly well and never once did we have a fight. Can you beleive it, I didn't fight with her once. I sure that's a tell-tale sign that something is wrong. But last Sunday I couldn't sleep...I just thought about her and the fact that we were dating and, for lack of a better grasp upon the English language, stuff. And when I woke up the next morning I knew I had to break up with her. It just sorta came out of the blue, like a dog killing taxi.

This thought is a major cog -wrench in a relationship; and I did try to flush it aside yesterday. But I felt so horrible; like how dare I entertain and touch this lady with such false intent. How dare I try and fool her and take her affection. This makes for bad conversation and very bad sex. And yet she didn't catch on; I think I must have broken up with her like five times that night. Each time she would cry and say let's talk about it later and switch into this happy mode like nothing happened. She'd actually sing! I was baffled. I mean there's no way in hell I would want to stay with someone who's trying to break up with me. Right?

I finally did the cut this morning, over tea...very british. I feel slimy about it, like I don't beleive everything that I said. I feel slimy because I made her feel bad for a reason I don't know. But I also feel releived; I really didn't want to fake it around her.

Thom's longest realtionship; two months and five days...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


I am attracted to a woman whom is not my girlfriend.